"DEAR DR SAMARAM... I AM A BRAIN DEAD. Please help"

 I love SWATI (A hugely popular Telugu weekly) Aside from offering us images of dazzlingly proportioned women who have finally found a useful purpose for whipped cream, it also has a special feature column named "SUKHASAMSAARAM"  i which a famous sexologist Dr Samaram gets queries from the flotsam, jetsam and dimsums of the human race.

my predecessor of bangaulow has left in cupboard a lot of old swati books which i am reading right now.  Below is a bunch of ACTUAL questions I found  in those column called some at a love/relationships agony column, the other at a sex advice column. I have provided answers wherever I've seen fit, just in case any of you are plagued by the same questions:

Hi, married 4 yr. back and don't have kids. My prob is my husband didn't respond my desires, he always ignore it and busy with mobile etc. I'm trying to talk to him so many times he replies- Every thing is upto in God, believe in God, wait and see. Now I'm fed up all of this...he don't have any interest in husband wife relationship. He fulfill all basic household requirements, help in the kitchen, partying, socializing with me but only one thing is no no. Tell me what to do?

As my friend Girish suggested, upon reading your query; "Try sending him an sms?"

Good afternoon sir. i loved a girl and she also loved me. we had some joy moments. i have kissed her lips and ************ but she has left me. i am puzzled. answer me sir.

Dear dude. As I have never had joy moments with a woman's asterisks, I have no understanding of your dilemma.

sir i have affair with my sister in law shall i continue

Yes. Also, continue raping children, continue throwing rotten apples at homosexuals, and take the lead in a giant race riot. These are all also examples of appropriate behaviour.

i am attracted with my mother-in-law, how to attract her for physical relationship? advice me...

Fuck.

I have no grilfriend canyou give me a girlfriend

Will cyanide do instead?

My problem is despiet being happily married, I get attracted to beautiful women. Due to my suave talking skills, most of them also get attracted to me with full trust on me. My wife will get furious if she knwos that I was freindly to a gal in the last birth also. Idont mind, as I find every individual being unique and different soul. How do I reconcile?

hi IM IN LOVE WITH A GIRL,SHE ALSO LOVES ME BUT EARLIER SHE WAS AN ESCORT N NOW A DAYS SHE IS NOT DOING ALL THIS BULLSHIT BUT I DNT KNOW I FEEL THAT SHE IS USING ME AS SHE LIES ME ALOT ALWAYS DEMANDS MONEY FROM ME SHE GOES TO NIGHT CLUB N COMES BACK HOME LATENITE KINDLY ADVISE AS M VERY MUCH UPSET

hi IM A FOUR LEGGED ANIMAL WITH A TENDENCY TO MOO. SURELY THIS DOESNT MEAN IM A COW, RIGHT? (SHE'S A HO SHE'S A HO SHE'S A HO). I HAVE AN UDDER AND EVERY FEW DAYS A MAN COMES AND YANKS AT IT (HO HO HO!)AND I SECRETE MILK AS A RESULT. SURELY THIS DOES NOT HAVE TO MEAN I AM A COW? (DUDE! SHE RUNS OFF TO THE CLUB WITHOUT YOU WITH YOUR DOUGH! NOW, WHAT RHYMES WITH DOUGH?!)

I am a 25-year-old man. The size of my testicles has reduced over a period of time. Will this affect my future sex life? Please suggest a remedy for this.

Dear Bobby Darling. Stop asking me dude...ette.

I am a 24-year-old man. When I have sex with my girlfriend, she asks me to wear three condoms as she is scared. Can I use one condom? Please tell. 

My friend recently had unprotected sex with one of her staff. She hasn’t got periods yet, her last was on 21st November. She’s been eating papayas. Kindly suggest a solution urgently. She is very worried.

There is no solution for eating papayas. Some people just seem to like em. Congratulations on your friend's pregnancy though...

I am 23 years old. Some time back I used to "handpractice" because of which my penis has turned left. I have quit handpractice since two years now, but there's no improvement. I applied many Ayurvedic oils but to no avail. Please tell me, will this be a huge problem after marriage? If yes, what should I do?

Your penis turned left? Shit. But the directions specifically say go STRAIGHT for four blocks, then turn RIGHT and take the flyover. Fuck off now, let it stay lost. I also used to do handpractice. Now I prefer typing, it's a lot quicker.

I am a 24-year-old man. Six months ago I was sexually involved with my uncle. I have heard that such activities lead to AIDS. Please advise, he wants to have more sex with me.

Dear dude. Unless your uncle is named Cameron Diaz, you're both fucking pervs.

I am under tremendous pressure. I have red spots on my penis and an itching sensation too. A doctor had told me it is 'haprics' or something like that and put me on medication for six months. I used to visit sex workers occasionally during this time and I noticed the spots would increase only after using a condom. Please let me know how dangerous this 'haprics' is and how do I overcome this problem.

Im sorry your penis is an industrial-grade toilet cleaner.

I am a 25-year-old married man, with a baby. My wife and I have a great sex life. Whenever she feeds the baby, I'd get a feed too. Will this habit cause any disease for the two of us? My wife likes it, but will she get breast cancer if we continue?

What the fuck dude?

Is it true that if you masturbate, your moustache grows? My friend says that it does.

Yes. And when you yank on your left testicle, a Norweigian man hiccups somewhere. Also, is your friend's name Gandalf?

I had recently read in your advice in this column about dipping testicles in cold water for ten minutes. Why did you suggest that? What can be the result of it in our body?

Dear dude, I was stoned and I thought the image of a dude hovering over a bucket of cold water and dipping his sack in every few minutes would be funny.

I am a 35-year-old married man. When I get sexually excited, I emit a transparent fluid through my penis. I suffer from occasional memory loss. What's my problem?

(expert's actual reply) Rest assured; you are not passing your memory through the secretion. This is normal with all men and occurs when a person is excited. If it has increased, check for infection with your doctor. Also, ask for remedies for your loss of memory.

I am 47 years old and married. We enjoyed a satisfactory sex life till this Diwali. But recently I had severe electric shock. I haven't been able to get an erection ever since, even after masturbating and watching porn. Can this be rectified? What would be the duration and the expense of the treatment?

HA HA! You got a cock-shock! HA HA!

The position of my penis has changed due to masturbation. What should I do?

If by "changed position", you mean that it now hangs out your left armpit, consult a doctor.

What is meant by sperms and can it be dangerous to me in the future?

Sperms are a bunch of expert Olympic grade swimmers who prefer hot climates. In their country, medals are considered evil, and so they race for eggs instead. True story. They will be very fucking dangerous to you in the future, as all 100 million of them will convince you that that chick at the bar is damn hot. The next morning, you will awaken to find yourself nestled in the folds of fat of a sub-woman who looks like Marilyn Manson with a dysfunctional thyroid gland.

I am an 18-year-old man. Whenever I watch porn I secrete a white substance from my penis. I feel giddy. What is the solution?

The solution is called cum. It is made of albumin, spermatazoa and Fevicol. I just made that up.

I am an 18-year-old man. I have been suffering from bed wetting since birth. I have also been masturbating for the last four years. I try to wake up early in morning to urinate but in vain. I have also stopped masturbating because of this problem. Please suggest an exercise which will help me to stop bed wetting?

Fucking fuck dude. You pee in your bed at 18?

I am an 18-year-old man. I take tuitions from a tutor who is 21 years old. She is always asking me to have sex with her and satisfy her sexual urges. I get excited but I feel it's not the right age for me to indulge in such activities. What is premature ejaculation, anal sex and oral sex? Will I contract AIDS if I have unprotected sex with a woman who is not infected by AIDS?

Lucky fuck. I really went to the wrong tution teachers. I was stuck going to Aditya coaching centre.

What is an orgasm? Can it be seen or one just experiences it?

*insert obligatory "no-one can be told what the Matrix is..." joke HERE*

I am a 17-year-old boy. I enjoy staying nude at home. I masturbate every alternate day. I love to watch porn too. I want to tell my parents about all this but I am scared. Please help. Also, will drinking sperms cause any harm to me?

No. But telling people you drink your splooge will.

I am a 22-year-old man. I have been getting severe headache attacks on the days I masturbate. They often last for 3 to 4 hours. Sometimes they are also followed by a hissing sound in my head and I feel as if there is an intermittent flow of blood inside my head. I am really worried. What can be the solution to this?

Hissing sound? Really?

We indulged in sex once or twice a month. For the last couple of months she has been getting dreams that she is indulging in sex with her close relatives. She blames her sex life for that. She wants to stop having sex with me. I am not mentally prepared to marry any other girl. How should I convince my girlfriend that we can have a normal relationship without having sex?
She. Dreams. of. Banging. Relatives.

Dude. What. The. Fuck. 

I am a 25-year-old man. I masturbate at least twice a week. I have never had sex but would love to do it safely. I try to get pleasure by caressing one of my relatives which arouses me. Is it okay for me to derive pleasure in this manner?

(actual expert reply) Ask yourself – your relatives are very tolerant of you. Wait till you are married.